On everything.

The past few months have been a time of strong self examination. My friends have often said it takes a lot of courage to go to a new place and be completely alone. Me, I always saw it as weakness. Yet another time when Jacqui was unable to do something and ran away just to come back to NJ when it didn't work out. I promised myself my time at home would be temporary.

But crap happens and school loans need to be repaid or at least made down to something that resembles rational. I find myself feeling a mix of 2 emotions toward my friends who didn't need to work through school or didn't have to take out loans: Evy of them and anger towards myself. Evy because for the next 10 years, they are in a different class than me. Not nearly as chained to jobs as I am. Or able to enjoy some of the finer things that I have to deny myself to pay bills.

Anger because for all the money I now owe and I have little to show for it. I am working a job that isn't in my field and living at home with my dad. Often I am stuck thinking about the stupid mistake of following my heart instead of head. Playing hockey at a school where I had no hope of making the varsity or falling for a guy who could have cared less about me when I could have stayed in-state. 

As I sit in "my office" all day, I think of where I "hoped"  to be by now, I can't help but cry. I can't shake the feeling of disgust toward myself. (its a down day)