On a second scare..

Some people are lucky. They will never know whats its like to face their morality. In my life, I have seen the face of death and how it comes to others. Over the past year, I have had more than one experience that has made me re-examine how I live my life.  Even before this recent scare, I've been really introspective about myself, where I want to be and what is keeping me from getting those goals. What it comes down to is patterns. Some people when they go into these self destructive spirals, it usually involves sex, drugs and bad people. For me, its always been the last thing.

My biggest addiction you could say is feeling safe. I will do anything to keep that feeling for a period of time. Sometimes, I look for that safety in the wrong places with the wrong people. I grew up believing I didn't deserve to be treated properly either because I was a "scholarship kid", middle child, a child of baal teshuvas (those that return to the jewish faith); believe me I could rationalize all the reasons why I was/am lower.

When I am in what can best be described "unhealthy mindset" I end up subconsciously surrounding myself not with "safe" people but those that re-enforce my already low-self esteem. This has happened with boyfriends who I thought understood me, "friends" who insult me in public, just overall people who don't allow me to be me. In both cases, I come to believe their abuse is deserved and I don't deserve much better.  The finale of every occurrence is me more bruised and battered; with my ability to trust (and love) taken away for a while.

To make matters worse at times, I try and prove my worth to the above mentioned people. Sometimes doing things above and beyond what a "friend" or newly minted girlfriend should do. When my friends and I get into a fight, I'll do my best to again show I have "worth" going out of my way to get things they like or showing I remember small little things. Again, I go too far and connect my self worth to their happiness.

My actions have often been called controlling or co-dependent; I argue more the later than the former. My problem is I don't know any other way to be. I've spent my life being misunderstood for why I do things and behavior. And misunderstanding the reactions of others. I think in my head "this is what a good person is supposed to do," or "but they need me." When my good intentioned actions blow up in my face, my mind goes back to "see they see you aren't really a good person, you can't hide how bad you really are." Or when someone who I think is my "friend" goes and twists my words and action, its just as harmful; I know what my truth is yet they found something horrible to turn it into.

As I stand again at what can best be described as another low point, I again ask myself "how did I get here? And why is it so dark?" The truth is I felt vulnerable and I surrounded myself with unhealthy people. I am not a bad person but I know I am not perfect either.

The people around me now, know what I've been through and despite everything still love me and care for me.  I took a break from Facebook in a way to see who would actually care or notice I was gone. With everything I have gone through in the past couple weeks, its been nice to not feel tempted to broadcast it. Having those people who are true and caring has been more than a godsent. And I thank you for it.