On Music and Memory

I have often made the argument that my itunes has a mind of its own. No day was this more clear than this day 3 years ago. You see it wasn't a "normal" day. I was up at 4:00am and was on a plane back to NJ. "A plane? Jacqui your favorite mode of transport was train from Rochester, NY. Why a plane?" Simple, today 3 years ago was my mom's funeral. Set for 9:30am, less than 20 hours after she passed. <rant> Again, family is awesome especially when they let religion reign instead of practicality. </rant>

As I got onto the plane, I put my ipod to my musical mix. What happened? It found two songs: "Endless Night" from The Lion King and "Learn to be lonely" from Phantom of the Opera (Movie cast). For the 45 minute flight, those two songs seemed to dominate my playlist. After the 5^th time hearing "Endless Night", I finally really listened to it.

The song describes Simba's frustration with his dead father, whose death Simba blames on himself. Growing up, I can say I had a similar frustration; wishing the woman who "promised to be there whenever I needed you," was nowhere to be found. When you grow up being told how much she sacrificed to have you, you develop the complex that you have to prove you are worthwhile the effort. And she would frequently remind me, I wasn't.

As I sat there listening to the lyrics, I became a wash with emotion. I was being taken on a journey from rage to acceptance of a parent's death. Being reminded, like Simba I had to run from "home" but I always knew that darkness would come to an end.  However, I was unsure what I was coming "home" to.

To say that the events leading up to my mom's funeral was semi-complicated would be an understatement. My family didn't call me to tell me my mom had passed, they texted. They then scheduled the funeral in accordance with strict orthodox Jewish standards; even though no one actually follows the law but found it convenient in this situation to do so. If it wasn't for a good friend having insane airline miles, I would never have gotten "home" in time for the funeral.

In the end, you could say my family made the experience much more stressful than it needed to be.  When I think back to my mom's funeral and the events of those days, I remember my good friends who made sure I was sheltered from the insanity.  But also the sadness of my family's behavior in a time when that kind of behavior wasn't needed.

I know that the night must end
And that the clouds must clear
The sun
The sun will rise