On being an Aspie..
When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Non-Verbal Learning disorder
and PTSD. I think most people know about the later, so allow me to discuss the
former. Basically, the long and the
short of it is somehow along the way I stopped learning how to communicate
correctly. No one really knew when this happened, just that it did. My earliest
memories are being beaten up in the school yard for “not wanting to play the
games the other kids did.” So I am guessing preschool? But I digress. As I have
gotten older, I have had a few therapists who have said they felt I was more Asperger’s
than NLD. As a result, I have come more to identify as that diagnosis than the
prior one.
What is Asperger’s syndrome? Basically, it’s a high functioning
form of autism. From Autism Speaks:
Asperger syndrome was generally
considered to be on the “high functioning” end of the spectrum. Affected
children and adults have difficulty with social interactions and exhibit a
restricted range of interests and/or repetitive behaviors. Motor development
may be delayed, leading to clumsiness or uncoordinated motor movements.
Compared with those affected by other forms of ASD, however, those with
Asperger syndrome do not have significant delays or difficulties in language or
cognitive development. Some even demonstrate precocious vocabulary – often in a
highly specialized field of interest.
Going to guess anyone that knows me knows that sounds kind
of familiar. But oh wait there is more:
The following behaviors are often associated
with Asperger syndrome. However, they are seldom all present in any one
individual and vary widely in degree:
• limited or inappropriate social
interactions
• "robotic" or repetitive speech
• challenges with nonverbal communication (gestures, facial expression, etc.) coupled with average to above average verbal skills
• tendency to discuss self rather than others
• inability to understand social/emotional issues or nonliteral phrases
• lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation
• obsession with specific, often unusual, topics
• one-sided conversations
• awkward movements and/or mannerisms
• "robotic" or repetitive speech
• challenges with nonverbal communication (gestures, facial expression, etc.) coupled with average to above average verbal skills
• tendency to discuss self rather than others
• inability to understand social/emotional issues or nonliteral phrases
• lack of eye contact or reciprocal conversation
• obsession with specific, often unusual, topics
• one-sided conversations
• awkward movements and/or mannerisms
Again, if you know me in real life; you know some of this
stuff is me. My friends will say “Jacqui has her own way of doing things. Get
out of the way; things get done. She is also very direct and doesn’t do well
with too much fluff.” My co-workers who don’t know me well will tell you “Jacqui
is rude. She asks too many questions. She seems like she is always questioning
any decisions that are made. She talks herself into her own hole”
For much of my life after the diagnosis, my treatment was
talk therapy and reading books on the topic. I was too old for the treatments that kids
today get so I had to improvise. Future OT heal thy self, I read up on how to “fake
it till I made it.” I taught myself to decipher facial expressions (by watching
movies on mute). I learned to adapt and
learn how long I could handle in social interactions before I would get
overwhelmed by the stimulus (about 90 mins in a setting of 5 or more people). I
taught myself techniques to help me when I needed to be interview situations.
But more importantly, I became a decent writer because I knew people don’t
always understand my directness in spoken word. So, text made it easier.
Almost like being a mutant from the X-Men or inhuman from everything else Marvel, all I wanted to
do in my daily life was pass. I just wanted to be what we in the Autism
community call “Neurotypical” or NT for short. One of the things that allows me
to pass is my ability to understand and perform sarcasm. Understand, I can’t always
“get” it (again, aspie typical) but when I am not overstimulated; I have a
better chance of understanding it.
At times, I can keep up that façade 6 months to a year. But
I have learned over time that familiarity breeds a special kind of contempt for
me among other people. After a while, I stop guarding myself and the Aspie me
comes out. It usually happens when I am under extreme stress. At one
company I worked at, my therapist and I traced it to having too much activity
around me. Combine it with PTSD flashbacks,
I basically become an overstimulated mess. At same company, my answer was
frequent breaks and walks. Oh yeah, I should also mention unlike people that
scream and yell when they are angry, I cry. Just the way I have always been
(another Jacqui thing and also a symptom of autism). Sometimes I would go to my
car and cry to let out my frustration (evidently this isn’t socially acceptable
behavior).
We’ll say for the past 2 years I was able to fake it. Then,
the familiarity breeds contempt idea came roaring back with a vengeance. Up
until December, I thought I was well liked and respected where I worked. It
turns out, per management, everyone hates me. Therapists think I overstep my boundaries,
co-workers say I don’t communicate well, always asking questions and
questioning systems. Basically, the Aspie has come out to roost its greatest
hits. I know from other evidence this may not be entirely true. But it is still
triggering and makes me question about a great deal of the progress I thought I
had made in the past few years.
In a few weeks, I leave for school. I’ll begin a journey I
worked really hard to make happen. Through being kicked out of my house,
through bad grades, through this job. However, I feel like my confidence is
busted. I am wondering given this obvious disability if I will make a good OT,
if I was fooling myself to think I could ever be “normal”. This is the internal dialogue I have had my whole that I wish I could just shut down.
